Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
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“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
my professor scared me for a second
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Awesome parenting 😂
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.