Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
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*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Super Hand Dog Face
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.