Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
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“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
this is how life feels
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
What?!?
This is sending me to another galaxy
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”