Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
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Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
necessity is the mother of invention
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?