Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
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me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”