Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
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Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
where the womens at?
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife