@MoistPork: Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
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@ValeeGrrl: NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him! ME: you haven't heard him eat cereal yet, have you
@BackrowSeats: Take a deep breath. Good. Now count to 10. Right. Now slap someone in their face. Nice. Feel better?
@caithuls: [trying to get out of date] ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911 HIM: That's not how- ME: *mouthing* IT'S AN EMERGENCY