Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
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[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
I’m awake but I object,
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.