Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
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me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Lmaoo 😂
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud