I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
You Might Also Like
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname