me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
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If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
What
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.