Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
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If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
wtf management?!
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards