Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
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People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.