If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
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Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Ghost costume 😂
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.