@lafpgh: Showed my husband all the super-awesome Twitter lists I'm on. He put me on a list called People I Probably Shouldn't Have Married.
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@PJTLynch: "Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?" Wife: "Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?" "...Yes" *wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
@silent_musings: Next time you see someone you don't like, begin conversation with "I see the assassins have failed."
@13spencer: I'd like to think that my exes see me as "the one who got away," but it's probably more like "the one who got away from the police."