@lafpgh: Showed my husband all the super-awesome Twitter lists I'm on. He put me on a list called People I Probably Shouldn't Have Married.
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@ItalianBratikus: My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don't have the heart to tell her he's just out chasing Pokemon.
@chuuew: DR: So, you're 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson? BART: I don't know where my hair starts
@tatsabrat: My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he's creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
@ch000ch: ME: i'm having a lovely time tonight my date: why do u keep yelling "ME" before every sentence