“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
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*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Cha-ching is my safe word
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
☠️☠️☠️
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.