showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
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[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
I hope Alan is OK
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
i will not be silenced
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.