Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
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Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
And that about sums it up.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business