Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
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The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
*offers Batman cough drops*
True?
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.