[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
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My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
I think my mom just blocked me
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Put my back out twerking in the library again
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.