[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
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My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Gemma Correll
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”