[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
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Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.