[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
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i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
This forever.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?