[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
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My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
what could possibly go wrong?
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
just leave it at the foot of the bed
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.