british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
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Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.