“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
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*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?