[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
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It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
my favorite genre of twitter
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.