[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
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Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Ha
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
his wife is probably gonna see that
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat