As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
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Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Admin smashed it 😂
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down