@themiltron: [showing my pool to a friend] and this is my hole, it's where i keep too much water
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@iscoff: Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
@TheTweetOfGod: Traditional marriage was between a boy's parents and a girl's parents. And maybe some cattle.
@SadieSkyNinja: [if my cat tweeted] When "over 38" is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
@icecube: Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth...