[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
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Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Good morning!
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it