[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
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The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.