*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
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Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Fight
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Tough love is true love
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly