Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
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And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me