Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
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[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Kids, do not try this at home!
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-