[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
You Might Also Like
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
You can’t outrun your problems…
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.