[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
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“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
I feel attacked.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
where do you see yourself in five years?
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”