[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
You Might Also Like
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.