[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
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“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
This story is comedy gold 😂
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.