DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
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* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”