Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
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Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.