*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
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Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids