[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
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Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine