[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
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Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
the rocks need my help
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…