*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
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Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
all i did was tell my dad iām anaemic šš
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Me: Remember, donāt bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Her: MOM! CāMERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
When I was your age we didnāt have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
road expansion addicts be like ājust one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop wheneverā
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
BEACH BOYS: š¶ Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: š¤
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
My 2-year old son wears a āJurassic Parkā t-shirt like heās some big fan but I know for a fact heās never seen it.
Donāt be a poser bro
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
š
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Iāve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied āone sprayā of cologne, so same.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: thatās an excellent question about the job
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name itā¦Iām pretty eclectic.
Her: Greatā¦I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually Iām not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight Iāll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”