*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
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Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.