@aSapCoolDad: *shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I've been conditioning a lot for this race
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@fro_vo: Teacher: remember class, there are no stupid questions Me: *raises hand* Teacher: i just said, no stupid questions Me: *lowers hand*
@jesse_street: *gets laser eye surgery* "Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?" I told you, that's not what— *i squint at him real hard but he's right*
@BuckyIsotope: Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
@CollegeHumor: Apparently the Burger King account is suspended while they think of a stronger password than "horsemeat".