*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
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Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!