@aSapCoolDad: *shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I've been conditioning a lot for this race
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@iwearaonesie: me[holding wife's shirt] Can this go in the dryer? wife:What does it say on the tag? me:Gap wife:The other tag me:Oh wife me:Made in Vietnam
@NurseMurderer: This earthquake was the first time that I've ever said, "it was 4.7, but felt bigger."
@farleftcoast: Text from husband: Where are you at? Me: Before I tell you let's talk about ending sentences with prepositions.
@jergarl: Shia Labeouf always looks like he's trying to teach math after someone just waved smelling salts under his nose.