*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
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Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.