*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
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me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.