* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
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ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house