*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
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Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
my professor scared me for a second
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.